8 Common Boundary Mistakes and How to Avoid Them

This is a big one. This happens when you NEVER CLEARLY COMMUNICATED the boundary. I know it might seem like you made it clear from all the other million ways that you’ve shown your feelings and needs but until you articulate it WITH YOUR WORDS - it’s not likely to go well.

Really, it’s not fair to expect other people to do more to respect our boundaries than we are willing to do for ourselves. In my experience, learning to keep my promises to myself has been the hardest part of developing healthy boundaries that last. For example - setting a boundary around not looking at my phone in the morning or not working after 6pm on weeknights is largely in my court. And very often, I don’t respect my own boundaries. Learning to start treating my own boundaries the way I would treat someone else’s has been a game changer – but also slow going, hard work.

A key part of boundary development is anticipating and, if needed, communicating what you will do if your boundary is not honored. But it can be easy, when that moment of enforcement comes, to make an excuse or find a loophole to get out of doing it. If you get to this point - it’s a CLEAR SIGN that indeed that boundary was needed. So don’t give up now. Follow through and you’ll learn to appreciate that integrity in yourself as well as the clarity it gives you about the person, place, or thing on the other side of your boundary.

In a similar way - some folks set a boundary but then let too many “infractions” slide because (insert empathetic or logical reason for the boundary breaking). This can also happen when you don’t notice that someone is crossing your boundary because you are so used to having it happen. This one gets me in boundary work with my kids. Some of their problematic behaviors have become so common place that I have moments when I don’t’ even notice anymore (backtalk anyone?) AND when they do slip up, I almost always understand why. Remember, your boundary is not a judgement on the behavior or the person, just a promise to yourself about what you’ll do when it happens - a promise that is intended to protect your time, energy, heart, mind, or stuff. So don’t overthink it. You deserve to hold your line even if the other person’s behavior is totally understandable.

Boundaries need to be solid and clear enough to be easy to understand and stick around long enough for other people to learn or relearn how to best engage with you. BUT - that doesn’t mean that they are FOREVER. It doesn’t mean there isn’t room for negotiation or discussion with the people who might be affected. ANd it doesn’t mean there won’t be times when you need to be flexible or shift. Sometimes when we are uncomfortable setting and communicating boundaries we can overcompensate by putting up boundaries that function more like a brick wall than a guard rail - leading to disconnection rather than improved relationships. So while you are working to hold that line - don’t box yourself in too tightly.

It’s unfortunate but true that we can’t change other people. But we can change how we respond to them as well as what we allow and don’t allow in our interactions, in our personal space, and in our limited time each day. Obviously, our boundaries will have effects on those around us but if you catch yourself spending more energy on what other people are or are not doing — if your boundary is dependent on someone else’s choices, it might be worth readjusting it so that it is yours to hold and something that is in your power to control and follow through on.

In the healthiest of relationships, it’s likely that your boundary will be met with quick acceptance and a willingness to cooperate. However, it’s not our healthiest relationships where we are likely in need of boundary work. So, please consider and prepare for the fact that the other person WILL have feelings about your boundary. Your boundary is likely disrupting a pattern that may have been serving them well or it may expose some tender spots in their own ego. It may feel like a loss or a judgement even if it is in fact meant to create more connection. So if you are met with defensiveness, pushback, limit testing, questioning, ghosting, or ignoring - don’t be surprised. But do take it as an indicator that you are probably on the right track. There may be times when compromise is called for (sometimes boundaries collide) in order to find an approach that works for both parties - but don’t fold.

As teachers and parents, we KNOW that people forget most of what they hear. We know that it takes repetition to remember and learn. And in the case of boundaries, we are likely interrupting established patterns of behavior in a relationship or environment SO….. don’t be surprised if the boundary needs repeating. The response you get from a person after you remind them about your boundary will likely give you really important information about whether it was an accidental overstep or a more conscious one.