Boundaries 101 - First, You've Gotta Believe

Wherever you are emotionally today- I’d like to be so bold as to suggest that working on your boundaries will almost certainly improve your situation.

The list of demands on all of us is ABSOLUTELY UNSUSTAINABLE!!! So in this time of our history, certainly if you are a parent or teacher (or both!) --- boundaries seem like an essential, baseline, survival strategy for reclaiming control of our time and energy.

What are boundaries?

I like to think of boundaries as guardrails that protect me from getting into situations and relationships that feel unhealthy and that might exceed my current capacity to cope well.

Because when the road is laid out and the guardrails are in place - it's smooth sailing. (At least relatively so :) )

But when I'm off roading?

With no map?

Never quite sure what's up ahead and if I'll be able to handle or or if I'm heading in the right direction?

No thank you. That's exhausting. And dangerous.

Healthy boundaries set you up for success by proactively defining how you will engage to ensure that you're able to show up for what matters in a way that is healthy, productive, and life-giving.

Boundaries can define:

  • physical limits - what is ok and not ok regarding my body
  • Intellectual limits - what is ok and not ok regarding my thoughts and ideas
  • Emotional limits - what is ok and not ok to ensure emotional safety and health
  • Material limits - what is ok and not ok regarding my money and possessions
  • Or time limits - what is ok and not ok regarding my minutes, hours, and days

No system of improvement is gonna work by addition alone. (I've really tried!)

Subtraction is critical.

Especially for parents and teachers who already have ALL THE THINGS on their plates.

And so much of it is good stuff.

But until time and energy expand at the same rate as the expectations thrown at us - boundaries are gonna be needed.

It's not easy setting boundaries. That's why most people I know don't do it at all or don't do it very well.

HOWEVER......you know what’s harder than setting boundaries?

Not having them.

Not having boundaries leaves us

  • Often overwhelmed
  • Occasionally resentful or avoidant or anxious
  • And on call for the urgent and important needs of others while missing out on time for urgent and important needs of our own.

Not having boundaries has us OFF TRACK and OFF ROAD - and that is just ALOT OF energy and drama when you could instead take the road.

Because as I’ve said before, my hardest learned lesson is that I can do anything but not everything.

When you fail to choose,

When you fail to say “no”

When you fail to set healthy boundaries

Everything suffers.

And nobody wins.

Because nobody gets your best.

There are lots of reasons why people struggle with boundary setting. Some are rooted in our own childhoods - some in cultural training that continues to sell the idea that if we just work smart enough and hard enough - we CAN actually do it all despite ALL our experience to the contrary.

So, if we want to show up with integrity and joy

If we want a life that feels good and does good.

Healthy boundaries need to become an essential practice.

Your Beliefs Can Inspire or Sabotage Your Boundaries

Next week, I’ll talk a bit about different ways that boundaries go wrong and a simple outline for sharing a boundary that is clear, kind, and assertive.

But this week, I wanted to start at what I think is the root of the matter.

The root of what makes it hard for us to learn and practice this skill.

And that is

  • Some belief, conscious or unconscious, that we don’t deserve to ask for or get what we need.
  • Some belief, conscious or unconscious, that other people’s feelings and needs are more important than ours.
  • Some belief, conscious or unconscious, that what we want or need isn’t justified.

It’s hard to change habits if you don’t change the underlying beliefs that have led to your current operating procedure.

So if your boundaries aren’t’ working

Or if they are non-existent.

Start by checking out this list of your legitimate rights -

  • Notice how your body feels as you read each one.
  • Notice where you relax - where you resist - where you raise your hands in celebration.
  • And see if you might be holding onto a belief that is making it harder for you to set boundaries that could create protection for your time and energy and heart.

For a printable copy of these rights + a starter list of boundaries to protect your time and energy,

CLICK HERE ,and I’ll send it right over to you.

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