You Can Do Better than \"Calm Down\"

How do you feel when someone tells you to calm down? Calm?

Not me. In fact, I’ve had moments where I wasn’t even upset and someone told me to calm down AND THEN I was upset.

And I don’t think I’m alone.

But I’m also guilty of saying it to others.

Need a music break? Watch Taylor Swift's "You Need to Calm Down Video" here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dkk9gvTmCXY

I’ve even said “ I need you to calm down” which I now see as being so telling.

Proof that my attempt to mitigate someone else’s emotion was more about my needs than theirs.

Is it ok to be uncomfortable, triggered, and inconvenienced when a kiddo is melting down?

Yep.

It’s likely connected to our own experiences in childhood and how we learned (or didn’t learn) to handle certain emotions - cause you know, childhoods matter 🙂

But - when it comes to supporting our kiddos in THEIR tough moments – it’s important to remember:

1. They likely want to calm down too. But they are lacking the skill or the support needed to get there.

2. The support needed to increase the ability to self-regulate and calm down - starts with the nervous system (the body) and feelings of safety and connection.

3. SO, strategies to help create calm usually need to start with reinforcing safety and connection. Read more in my free guide here.

4. We have a lot of adults walking around who never learned what to do with their big feelings. While fear, shame, and control tactics might have made for “easier” parenting and teaching "back in the day" — they didn’t actually result in adults with healthy emotional regulation. So when a part of you is craving the shortcut and quick fix, remember that this whole childhood thing skill building and behavioral change is a long game.

So when you REALLY want to say “CALM DOWN!” – here are some alternatives for you to try.

1. "It's okay, take a deep breath with me."

2. "Let's take a moment to regroup and figure out a plan."

3. "I'm here for you, what can I do to help?"

4. "It's natural to feel upset in situations like this, let's work through it together."

5. "I understand how you're feeling, let's talk about it."

6. "It's okay to feel overwhelmed, let's take a break and come back to this."

7. "What do you need in this moment to feel more comfortable and supported?"

8. "It's okay to feel upset, let's find ways to manage these emotions."

9. "I'm here to listen, let's process through this together."

10. "It's okay to feel frustrated, let's find healthy ways to cope with these feelings."

11. "I'm here for you, and I care about you. You can talk to me anytime you need to."

12. "It's okay to not be okay. It's normal to have tough times, and we all need support and help at times."

13. "Your feelings are important and they will pass. I know you will get through this."

14. "You are strong and capable, and you have the ability to overcome this challenge. Don't be afraid to reach out for help and support as needed."

15. "It's okay to take a break and take care of yourself. What can you do to take care of yourself right now?"

And here’s a super important add on! If you are so worked up yourself that you are NOT going to be able to help anyone else calm down. Here are some tips.

DON’T assume that you are going to be able to hide your frustration, irritation, or upset — our bodies are amazingly adept at picking up on other people’s emotional energy. This is why it’s so important as adults that we increase our ability to handle our own emotions — we can’t give calm, if we don’t have it. When we bring our calm and centered presence to an interaction, our kiddos’ bodies literally absorb that through co-regulation and mirror neurons. But the inverse is also true - if we bring our own upset to theirs - we can co-escalate.

DON’T assume that doing nothing is a neutral response. It will feel like a cold shoulder and a message – and probably not one that will help that child increase their ability to manage emotion.

If you are not in a place where you can stop to talk or are feeling upset yourself – try saying something like this:

I see how upset you are. I care about you and I want to help. But right now,

I need to step away for a moment to take a few deep breaths so I can be a good listener.
I need to ( name task that is keeping you from having time to talk) - I’ll be back in 5 minutes to check in on you.
I need you to stop ( unacceptable or unsafe behavior), so that I can talk to you and understand how you feel.
I’m feeling a little upset too. Can we just sit together and take a few breaths before we talk?

Telling someone to "calm down" can often feel dismissive and invalidating of their emotions. Instead, try to approach the situation with empathy and understanding, and offer support and encouragement to help the person cope with their emotions in a healthy way. AND if your own emotions are getting in the way of doing that - take a breath and give yourself a moment to practice the very skills you are wanting your child or student to learn.

And when in doubt about what to do, consider. ...................

What do I need when I am really upset? You might not get what you need often enough, but consider carefully what that is. And maybe start by doing that.

It'll for sure be better than saying "Calm Down."

Jennifer

P.S. If you haven't already, check out my free e-guide - Lower the Temperature: A 3 Step Strategy for Calm Interventions in Heated Moments. Click here for immediate access to this practical tool.

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